Guest Post by Silence- OCD Circle of Life

Hey, Silence here:) I think life for me, is basically like an endless circle of going round and round in endless mazes of worries, finding myself each in a different feeling of sadness, happiness, fulfillment,and obsessive goals.
 
Because of that, I have created a blog, called ocdtalk.com, and with that, I hope to have the goal of reaching out to people, and for them to share me their stories and their experiences with OCD. Email me your best techniques in dealing with OCD for my “Best Techniques in Dealing with OCD” page, at tryingandfighting.100@gmail.com, and comment below if you found my posts helpful:) 
My life basically has ranged over many different extreme obsessions, where I feel like, “okay, this is the thing that I am going to be dedicated and committed too, I need to get this done no matter what”.  It would turn my actions for perfection in that obsession, to I guess to an EXTREME passion for that obsession. Not passion itself. Just obsession. Obsessions, as you all know of, consume a large chunk and portion of your time. During that moment, you think to yourself,”keep doing it, keep doing it”, even though your brain is screaming for you to stop. If I had to describe it in colors and touch, there is this fuzzy black cloud grabbing your head, and it feels really heavy, that gives you like this fizzy sensation. This is the normal feeling, that goes through my head with regular OCD. When it gets bad to the extremes, it’s like piercing pain that you just wish to stop, and you wish to die because nothing will get you out of that terrible situation in your head.
Right now,I guess I am doing well,in my obsession phase. My teachers say that I am very dedicated, and my response from people is that I have a passion for the things that I do and that I do it well. Basically, I work hard, and I don’t do a half-ass job, I would say. Trust me, I ain’t nothing super terrific:)
Well, I guess this is part of the reason why I am anonymous. There is I feel like a dumb, insecure part of me. Like, I am embarrassed by it. I just feel like its stupid. In real life, I would never say it or admit it.
You know those guest posts, where people say that they hide their pain with smiles, and they are dying inside?
And then they get the get all of these posts, saying that you are strong, your beautiful, you are worth living for, etc…
I am just telling you a fantasy that I have in my head, alright.
I am just saying this, for all of you fellas that are going through the same thing.
If  you don’t have it, then, fuck you. Just joking:) Guess I must be a freak then(just joking:)
So, I do hold everything inside of me, on the outside, in person.
No way hose, will I go to people, describing my pain in person, Instagram, whatever. It is always going to be in my own, personal head.
We all want to be loved. It’s a natural human quality. I feel like a total loser in my head, saying it out loud to myself. I actually am quite ashamed of me feeling this way. Like REALLY ashamed.
So, these are my embarrassing fears that I have. I have described it in another post once, but I guess I was trying to make sense of my life, so in a way I sound, mature about it, I guess…
But, this post is going to be different.
I am just going to be ranting about the raw feelings that I feel.
Because although I know, within myself, what is the real theme/lesson of life is.. this is what I feel inside,something that still stings me within how I truly feel.
I am a mentally fucked up person. Period.
I am not a screwed. Being mentally fucked up and screwed are two different things.
To be mentally fucked up, your car is just not running the best, but in the long run, it’s doing really just fine. What my therapist said, that it’s like having a few glitches in the head, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a terribly mentally sick person. Currently, I am actually doing very well, all I have are a few glitches in the brain:)
I am a normal human being, moral wise and everything. I do everything normally. Maybe I don’t feel normally, but there is nothing that I can’t do to help that.
So what you are hearing, is a mentally fucked up to me, because that is a part of me, but it’s not who I am. But it is the real me. These are the unreal thoughts that feel real to me in my fucked up head.
My parents are all going to die. My siblings are all going to travel far away. I am doing a job, all alone, talking to people, maybe having some laughs here and there. But in reality, I go home, all alone. Every single day, I am alone.
In the big picture, no would feel pain when I am dead and gone. I am just a living piece of flesh, trying to find meaning in my life that I can only live for myself. And it is just an upcoming, ongoing battle. There is no reason to live.
Well…. How do I prevent this….
MAKE SURE THAT YOU 100% GET INTO THE BEST COLLEGE
BECAUSE IF YOU GET INTO THE BEST COLLEGE, YOU’LL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
IF YOU MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, THEN YOU WILL GET TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD
MONEY IS THE ONLY WAY TO FIND FULFILLMENT IN LIFE
YOU CAN’T EVEN RELY ON RELATIONSHIPS, SO YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER FULFILLMENT AND GOAL IN LIFE.
THEN YOU WILL MEET PEOPLE
IF YOU GET THIS ONE POINT OFF THIS MATH TEST
ITS GOING TO AFFECT YOUR GPA
WHICH IS GOING TO AFFECT WHAT COLLEGE YOU GO TO
WHICH IS GOING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE
SO MAKE SURE YOU DO EVERYTHING 10000000% RIGHT!!!!!!
OR YOU’LL RUIN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!! MIGHT AS WELL KILL YOURSELF
Just for the record, I really love and appreciate all of the people that love me back, there are people out there. However, there is just this tiny voice inside my head, saying “will they really be there for me?”
As you know of, my dream is to have everything just stored up inside of me. Then someone to just come say to me very convincingly that I am beautiful, and that they wouldn’t want me to die. And a very long hug. Like, I want to feel in that moment that that person loves me truly.
For, in short, this is my current OCD obsession/fear/drive.
I need to be in control of all of my happiness/goals/achievements in life because relationships are nothing that you can have control over. You’re going to be a miserable old bitch, a total loser. Make something of yourself. Make yourself worth living for.
My life has been a range of EXTREME OCD fears/ behaviors.
These include contamination obsessions, god obsession, ritual obsessions, apologizing for obsessions, perfection obsessions, and harm obsessions, The apologizing one, went to an EXTREME EXTREME level, to a point where people thought I was mentally sick . With the harm one, I literally counted the seconds of when the days would pass by. I use to think that I should be grateful that I might get to die.
My life has been a really horrible, unpredictable, great, sad, funny,and mentally fucked up ride. I truly am grateful for all of the blessings that I have, with my mental illness and darkness of it all.
To the air that I breathe, to the constant OCD wheel that I am in.
What will be my next OCD fear or obsession?
We’ll have to see on the next ride:)
Other than that, wish me luck!!!!:)
Sincerely,
Silence