Forgiveness is Hard to Do

Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more
Send my love to your new lover
Treat her better
We’ve gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain’t kids no more- Send My Love (To Your New Lover)-Adele

Dear Forgiveness,

You’re elusive to me and I don’t know how to access you. I feel your presence when I’m happy and feel your absence when I’m shitty. Are you suppose to come and go or are you suppose to permanently stay? Many belief systems, including my lovely Catholicism, emphasize that without you, one cannot find peace. Is that necessarily true? What about if you’re like many of friends who have been through sexual assault, will they find peace if they find you, or will they stay the same? Is acceptance and anger alright toward trauma if an individual can co-exist with it? I mean can a person will you, or are you something that comes after a period of time has passed?

I ask because I remember trying to persuade myself to forgive Mr. Schedenfreude and I actually thought I did. I wasn’t ready and it blew up in my face. Did you decide not to come or were you not ready to be at my side? Did I have to go through the difficult emotions to realize that I couldn’t force you to come, and that you’d come when I was ready?

What about when I lost that editor in chief position in high school to my classmate? Why weren’t you at that moment in time to help me? Why did you come years after I graduated high school?

Forgiveness, you’re a curious thing. You come easily to some and not so easily to other, like myself. I don’t know how to welcome you because you seem to easily slip from my grasp. I’d like you not to leave, but I don’t know how to make you stay or if you’re suppose to ¬†stay. Can you tell me the answer?

Sincerely,

Rants of An OCD Girl

 

Photo Courtesy:  StuartMiles via freerangestock.com