I have lost all confidence in myself and my ability to become a teacher since my student teaching fiasco. I feel like writing a scathing letter to my former master teacher and writing all the meanest words that I know. Admitting that you “don’t know how much more you can help me,”shows that you never cared for my success! You only cared for the free help in your class! But I don’t because I’ll regret it. I imagine screaming at my former university supervisor and saying how dare she put all the blame on me for my master teacher staying an extra two hours for a lesson that I messed up on because I was too nervous for failure, which resulted in me messing up. I didn’t release a pack of nipping corgis and force her to stay an extra two hours- she could have said she needed to go.
I’m mad, I’m really mad. The thing is I’m angrier with myself. I’m angry because majority of my classmates were able to survive their first semester of student teaching, and I ended up having to repeat. I’m angry because I wasn’t cognizant of the preparation that I needed to do for the first semester because the swarm of colored papers pushed to my face overwhelmed me and I wanted to run. I’m upset because I felt foggy throughout that semester, nothing stuck; nothing worked. Making mistakes and trying to learn from them resulted in an avalanche that I couldn’t stop. It resulted in a pissed off master teacher and a frustrated me.
I’m also scared. I’m scared because the friends I made are also my competition. That scares me because I don’t do well in competition. I get catty, I get elusive, I get resentful, I get jealous, I get fearful. My insecurity increases and I lash out. I feel inadequate and dumb in my group of friends, the one who wasn’t able to get through the beginning of student teaching, which is the learning part.
I’m experiencing bitterness, sadness, anger, and resentfulness. Cycling through these emotions while trying to maintain a positive outlook makes me uncomfortable. Logically, I shouldn’t connect this experience with my identity, rather I should learn from it, which I am, don’t get me wrong. Emotionally though, I’m sore. I’m not sure how long this will last.
I go back in forth as to whether I should just place the blame all on my own or just chalk it up to the fact that sometimes things don’t work out. Part of me wants to place all the blame on myself because I’m scared of getting criticized by others for not doing better or not trying hard enough, and it also helps me feel in control. The other part wants to chalk it up to the fact that sometimes things don’t work out because placing all the blame on myself isn’t going to improve my situation, it’s just going to make me despise myself even more.
On the positive note, being relieved from my student teaching duties prevented me from going back to my bad habits of being self-destructive. I was thinking of self-harm, but I didn’t do it. Going back to self-harm is just putting up the middle finger to all my years of therapy.