I have a few close female friends, and I treasure that. It’s better to have quality than quantity. Sometimes though I wish I had a larger group of female friendships that are glorified in sitcoms such as Friends, Awkward, and Girls. When I lurk through Facebook and see childhood friends and college classmates with their friendships, I envy that. It’s nice to have a support system, and see people that you’re able to randomly call or have coffee.
I crave closeness, but it’s hard to develop new friendships in your twenties, or ones of value. Yes, I can talk to someone and be like, “Hey, let’s text each other,” but then that usually fades within a few weeks. I tried reconnecting with a few childhood female classmates, but that barely got anywhere beyond a hello. Yes, some of my childhood friends have children, and some of them are in the beginnings of their career. I’m in the beginnings of my career as well, and I get the busyness, but I still randomly call to check up on them. Yet, I still don’t get a call back, and end up assuming they don’t want to talk to me.
I think another part of my problem is that I’m terrified of my own gender. In high school I was shunned by my female friend group because I decided one day that I wanted to hang out with some of my male friends. I tried to hang out with them, and one of them told me to leave. Sure I didn’t have to listen to her, but it’s uncomfortable to hang out in a group when someone dislikes you. In ballet, I was at a dance studio where females were highly competitive with each other. I didn’t have to participate in the competitiveness, but I did, and that made me have a skewed view on females. Rather than support them, I had to one up them so I could be the best in class because I feared that if I wasn’t the best than I wasn’t of importance.
I’ve had people tell me that not everyone is like me, taking the time to call friends, so I shouldn’t take it personally. Yes, I understand that I shouldn’t, but isn’t it proper etiquette to call someone back when one calls you? I expect too much from people, and perhaps I should lower them, maybe then I wouldn’t be so disappointed. Oh well, the only thing I can tell myself is to pursue the friends who care enough to make time for me, and leave alone those who don’t. Actions speak louder than words.