I have “d*ck” showing contests with majority of everyone that I know. It’s an unhealthy practice, but it’s a hard to break. You have probably heard of Miss Torts from my previous posts, but she is a former childhood friend of mine who I was always competitive with. Was she in competition with me? Not so sure. In hindsight, I was the main person who was competing, and she was living her life. I did speech competitions, writing competitions, and made anything that was trivial a competition with her. At the end, she almost always won, and then I felt bad. People always say be happy, blah, blah, blah, don’t be a bad sport. I mean I never admitted that I was disappointed that she won, and even if I was honest, that would make her feel horrible and me feeling even worse.
In high school, Ms. Bodybuilder was granted the editor-in-chief position that I badly wanted. I had the seniority, and she didn’t. I was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness that prevented me from having the position, and she didn’t. I thought life was unfair. I’d cry to my mother or my close high school friends that I deserved the position, and many of them were emphatic. Looking back though, she did have stronger leadership skills than I did, had no anxiety, and was a better writer. I just didn’t want to look at the reality of things.
I have mental “d*ck” comparisons to all my exes’ girlfriends. Is she smarter than me? Is she prettier than me? Is she skillful in this position? I used to think this practice would get me over the previous people that I dated, but it never worked that way. It caused me to idealize the girlfriends, without realizing they were flawed as well. They too also likely had inner demons.
Do I at times low self esteem? Yes. Am I at times egotistical? Yes. Do I feel inferior to people at times? Yes? Do I sometimes feel superior to others? Yes. Just because someone has something that I don’t have, doesn’t mean I’m inferior to them. There is probably something that I have, that they don’t have. Just because someone is better at a skill, doesn’t mean there aren’t any skills that I’m not good at. There are probably skills that I have, that others would like to have.
D*ck showing contests are mentally and physically exhausting. I should know that showing people that I have a bigger, girthier, “d*ck” than they do isn’t going to make myself feel better. I give the longer end of the straw to them, and give myself the shorter end. How in the world am I going to win if I do that? I feel like I’d still end up feeling bad even if I did “win.” So in the end, comparing “d*cks” isn’t a great coping tool.