One of my earliest “bad thoughts” was the fear of being gay. I thought this was an unusual concern but I didn’t realize that it had a specific name called sexual orientation OCD.
Am I Gay or Not?
It’s a shared obsession for OCD sufferers to have anxiety over homosexuality. I’ve had it. From sixth grade up to high school, I had severe concerns over whether I was gay or not. This is sexual orientation OCD.
Why I Worried About Being Gay
Some people might think why worry over it? We live in a time where homosexuality is accepted. Well, I worried about it because I come from a conservative Filipino Catholic family. In the Philippines, homosexuality is either looked down upon or considered a gimmick. Also, it didn’t help that I have a family who believes being gay is something you become rather than something genetic. On top of that, my mother always told me if I was gay, I would give her a heart attack. It’s not exactly supportive.
Will and Grace
I believed I had obsessions about being gay when I watched the show, Will and Grace. I thought if the characters in the show were gay, then maybe I was gay. It didn’t help that obsessing over it nearly convinced me.
Limited Too and Fear of Having Female Crushes
Looking at catalogs such as Limited Too, (remember them, nineties girls?) Made my anxiety unbearable. I wondered if I was attracted to the models or if I thought they were super pretty.
I also worried that I had a crush on my female friends. Sometimes, I thought maybe if I just told them my worries, it would go away. My mom advised me not to say anything.
I remember telling my friends my fear, and they said, “What’s the worst that can happen?” I often told them being disowned by my family and embarrassment.
My Family Members Who are Gay
I have cousins who are gay, and it took a long time before my family could coexist and acknowledge the matter.
Sexuality is on a Spectrum
I still have anxiety over my sexual orientation, but it’s not as worrisome as before. I view sexuality on a spectrum rather than back and white. I’m not nervous if I see a pretty girl and I’m attracted to her. If I am, it’s whatever.