I’m not Gay….( I think)

It’s a common obsession for OCD sufferers to have anxiety over sexual orientation. I’ve had it. From sixth grade up to high school, I had anxiety over whether I was gay or not.


Some people might think why worry over it? We live in a time where homosexuality is accepted. Well, I worried about it because I come from a conservative Filipino Catholic family. In the Philippines, homosexuality is either looked down upon or considered a gimmick. Also, it didn’t help that I have a family who believes being gay is something you become rather than something genetic. On top of that, my mother always told me if  I was gay, I would give her a heart attack. It’s not exactly supportive.

I believed I had obsessions over being gay when I watched the show Will and Grace. I thought if the characters in the show were gay, then maybe I was gay. It didn’t help that obsessing over it nearly convinced me.

Looking at catalogs such as Limited Too, (remember them, nineties girls?) Made my anxiety unbearable. I looked at the models and wondered if I was attracted to them or just thought they were super pretty.

I also worried that I crushed on my female friends. I sometimes thought maybe if I just told them my thoughts, it would go away. I was greatly advised by my mom not to say anything, which I followed.

I remember telling my friends my fear, and they told me what’s the worst that can happen? I often told them being disowned by my family and embarrassment.

I have cousins who are gay, and it took a long time before my family could coexist and acknowledge the matter. The agony they went through to hide who they were looked unbearable.

I still have anxiety over my sexual orientation, but it’s not as worrisome as before. I view sexuality on a spectrum rather than back and white. If I see a pretty girl, I’m not nervous if I’m attracted to her. If I am, it’s whatever. As much as I’m attracted to females, my sexual behavior still steers towards males.

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