“You’re going to stay in the room and think about you did!” Mr. Squigglekins turned off the light and shut his room door. I laid in his bed regretting that I sent my ex, Mr. Schadenfreude, an angry email during a PMS episode. As I laid in bed, I overheard him telling his mom my email blunder, which made me feel crappier.
I dated Mr. Schadenfreude for seven months during 2009-2010. I can’t think of anything positive except that he was a chunky, hipster Jesse Mccartney lookalike. Long story short, I stayed with him despite the emotional abuse I endured because I wanted to save him. I know its pathetic but I had sh*tty self-esteem and the good girl changing the bad boy plan seem like a way to boost it. He dumped me through text for Ms. Schadenfreude– a brown eyed brunette who loved the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Experiencing it hurt me, but more than anything it was a blow to my ego. In addition to that, he texted me horrible things such as “I was just using you,” “I’m happy that I hurt you,” and “You should have trusted your instincts that I liked Ms. Schadenfreude.” So as a result of my bruised ego, I would email him nasty letters to make myself feel better. Here was my latest one that I sent on Feb. 26:
Dear Mr. Schadenfreude,
I realized that I don’t forgive your abuse. Sometimes I wish you were dead, or your family was dead. I realized that’s okay. I realized that I wish you harm, and I realized that I don’t. That’s okay. I’m in a happy place, and I realized that I dated you because I pitied you. I pitied that your mom was (is?) an alcoholic and that your dad was a former meth addict. I pitied that you lived in a shitty house that smelled horrible, barely was cleaned, and hardly had any food. I look back in hindsight, that dating someone out of pity and trying to save them is a recipe for disaster. Saying that you change? Please my ass. You never changed, you never took responsibility for your actions. Dumping me for Ms. Schadenfreude was the best thing you ever did. Thank you so much! I could never deal with your white trash and your whore of a mother. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. What I got from dating you is that I will never ever let someone treat me like how you treated me ever again. You’re the scum of the earth and the piece of shit. I hope you die on it. Don’t use your Buddhist shit on me, I know you can’t give closure and what not. I don’t believe in closure, I believe in co-existing with my past. You and your family can go fuck themselves. I’ve been wanting to say that for the past five years.
*When I’m anger, my Engrish and grammar is bad.
I was disappointed in myself because I realized that I spent negative energy on someone who was indifferent to me rather than positive energy on someone who did love me. I explained this to Mr. Squigglekins and he forgave me. I showed him the email and he found it funny. He said it reminded him of Katy Perry’s Roar or a rant that Tyler Perry’s Madea would give.
Looking back, I’m split on how I feel about the latest email. Sometimes I regret it because I should have taken the higher road and not react. Then I’m happy I sent it because even though I sent other emails in the past (ones that were passive aggressive), this one said everything that had built up inside of me. Fortunately, Mr. Schadenfreude hasn’t replied back.