My Other Talent, Comparing

I divulged into comparing in my last post when I spoke of envy. Comparing is a bad habit of mine. I compare myself to my classmates, my friends, my ex-boyfriends’ girlfriends, my family members, celebrities, my boyfriends, etc. It’s an unhealthy obsession. Similar to my last post, I like being the best. I like being the center of attention and being the person of envy. Is it unhealthy? Yes, but I own it.

Comparing has brought me more bad than good. When I was younger, I thought comparing myself would push me to work harder. It didn’t. It caused my headaches, stomachaches, and heartaches. In high school, I compared myself to classmates in my honor classes. It frustrated me that I didn’t receive the A that I wanted on the writing assignment, but other people did. I worked hard on the paper and I deserved the A. (Selfish thought) When my classmate received the editor-in- chief position, I compared my writing to her writing. It wasn’t a fair comparison. My work declined and I went to journalism less. If I didn’t compare, I would be grateful for my blessings and wished her the best. I didn’t. I pouted and moped until the end of high school.

In ballet, I measured myself against the best dancers in class. I competed for praises and a chance to demonstrate the exercises for my classmates. Did the best dancers know I competed against them? No. Did they care? No. When my teacher praised my competitor, I grew frustrated it wasn’t me who received praise. It’s harmful to think this way. Starting middle school, I quit the ballet school I attended for over decade because I couldn’t handle the pressure.

In elementary and middle school, I competed against my best friend, F. She won the competitions at school, won the awards, received straight A’s, spoke in eloquent sentences, and argued well. I loved her and hated her at the same time.

I loved her because she stood up for what she believed and rarely swayed from her stance.

I hated her because she was a know-it-all.

I attended another high school because I couldn’t tolerate her presence. Looking back, I couldn’t tolerate her smartness, so I left our friendship.

Comparing is an unhealthy habit. It’s hard to break. I decreased my comparing over the past two years, but sometimes it pops up. I hope by writing my flaws on this blog, it will help people look at their own flaws.

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