How OCD Made Ballet Difficult.

I love dancing and watching ballet. But I had anxiety issues when it came along with it.I felt I wasn’t thin enough or strong enough to be a dancer. On top of that, obsessive thoughts with religion, God, and Satan plagued my mind.

Hey guys! I further examined my ballet anxiety with this post

These thoughts would be composed of me wanting to obey  Satan, saying Fuck you to God, and what not. I thought I was going to hell because I had these thoughts. One memory comes to mind when I was in the splits and my obsessive thoughts popped up. I tried massaging my temples to get the thoughts out, it didn’t work so I was unfocused during ballet rehearsal.

A distinct memory where anxiety affected my ballet life was when I did a Royal Academy of Dance Summer Ballet Workshop in Long Beach in July 2004. It was a difficult because I had insomnia from my anxiety and I was dancing eight hours a day. I had a hard time remembering combinations because of my lack of sleep and my anxiety. My mom told me to focus, but its hard to focus when irrational thoughts pop up. Also, I felt insecure because the other dancers in my workshop trained in dance hours on end in contrast where I only trained two times a week. Despite my lack of focus, I managed to go through the workshop with my sanity intact.

I get nostalgic when I watch ballet. There are feelings of regret mixed with relief when I see it. I tell people I quit because I wanted to focus on school and that it wasn’t fun for me anymore. Although that is true, I also quit because I couldn’t dance knowing that anxiety will always follow me.

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